Can this really be happening…

The things he said last night were absolutely unbelievable. I know he meant every word he said and I will do everything in my power to make sure they are achieved.

-A

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This is my story not yours

 

He looks at me like I have never been looked at before. He’ll smile and for those few seconds I feel like I am alive and that I don’t have to do what everyone else says just for me to feel happy inside.His lips touch mine and for once I don’t feel like I NEED that kiss to know how he feels on the inside. I can tell just by the way he looks at me. He is my one and only. I know that I won’t lose him to another girl and he knows he won’t lose me to another boy.

I sat there and cried because I didn’t know what to do. With myself, with my past, with this long road ahead. I felt sick to my stomach, abandoned, and hurt. Suicide crossed my mind as every single second that passed.The words they spoke killed me and I felt like every breath was my last. Their face made me want to die because I put my heart into the “relationship” and they put it under their car and rolled over it.

He tells me that he loves me and I know he means it. We talk on the phone every night and we have fallen asleep on the phone with one another. He holds my heart and my soul. He is so out of my league and I am the luckiest girl alive to have him to myself. Friday’s became my favorite days because for those few hours we are alone on his couch or on his bed I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want that baby girl so she can be “daddy’s girl”. Watching him with his nephews is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I know that I really want his baby, I know this because the way I feel about this man is unbelievable.

They told me they ‘loved’ me. I should have known it was a lie. My heart was always broken. Yet no one heard my cries. I spent months feeling alone and used. But I was too scared to be alone. By myself  I did whatever it took to feel satisfied for a minute or two.The pain rips through your body and you can feel yourself shutting down. All you want to do is collapse and cry. The pain consumes you and you are to weak and broken to do anything. You cry to the point where you feel like you can’t cry anymore. Even though crying feels like the only solution.

This man is my life and I will do whatever it takes to prove that I am in love with him. I hurt him already even though nothing happened. He was still hurt. The words he wrote made me die. I never wanted him to feel the way he felt that day. Yet I still made him feel the pain I have felt numerous times before. And I will spend the rest of my life making that up to him. I will never forgive myself for making him feel that way.The way he holds me as we lay with our bodies pressed against each other tells a story of it’s own. As we lay and I look up at his sleepy face I see him for himself. He’s not trying to be someone and he’s not trying to impress anybody. He looks peaceful and I feel secure knowing that I will always have him. The way he kisses my head when i am falling asleep on his chest is enough to send me to the end of the road and back.

They’re worthless to treat any girl the way we have all been treated. With some more than others, but it’s all the same pain delivered in different doses.No more pain will get to me because I am secure in daddy’s grasp and he’s never letting go. He looks at me like Ive never been looked at before.

-A

Walking Away

Slowly coming down the hall I see no one but you.

You smile at me and wink your eyes and it sends me in a spiral of emotional waves.

I get shy and my face blushes.

You said that you love me.

Is it true?

All I know how to do is shut everyone down.

Yet you somehow open up my feelings and make me feel like it’s okay to talk about them.

I know that I love you.

You are my everything.

Yet I am still afraid to get hurt.

You and I are starting our new adventure.

Pick me up and let’s walk away.

To the boy who I used to call “Daddy”

Even though you are dead to me, I still have to respect you as my Father. But, there is one thing you need to understand. You will NEVER be my dad. You had the chance and you let me go, so I’m not going to spend time crying because you weren’t an enough to stick around.

I am now 17 and I don’t know who my Father is because you decided I was not worth your love and time. But, no matter that because I now have an AMAZING Dad. He was able to show me what it meant to be a man and he showed me the love and attention that you didn’t show to me. I hope that you realize you don’t deserve your children’s love. You can’t just stay in a child’s life for two years and then skip out never to return again. My life has been filled with amazing events with my mother without you. You didn’t affect us by leaving. It’s your damn loss. You missed out on knowing what it means to have a child learn to love you and look up to you and for them to know that this man will be by their side for all of life’s hardest moments.

I have dreamed of what I would do if I ever got the chance to meet you… I will not seek you out. You are not my Dad, you only are the “Sperm-Donor”. That is all you will ever be to me and my mother. Your own brother has shown me attention, why couldn’t you do that? Your brother didn’t have to stay in my life yet he reaches out to me more than you have and i know ever will.

You mean nothing to me and you can never make up for the 16 years you missed out on in my life and the other years you will continue to miss out on.

Even though I highly doubt it, I hope one day you will learn what it means to be a man and actually stay in a child’s life.

Now you are left with the terrifying fact that your baby girl has grown up without you and she is better off that way.

I will never love you because you didn’t love me enough to stay. We are still a family without you and we will never miss you.

-A

Teenagers

Why do hormones think they can control our body’s? They run through our veins and never calm down… whether we crave that delicious, high-caloried snickers, or that hott new senior that just moved from California, or the newest “sex-filled” movie, we always try to fill these needs in the worst way possible. We have an extremely high sex-drive, we want to eat everything, yet the females want to maintain the barbie waist and J-Lo booty with voluptuous boobs…

 

How do we live?

This world is already screwed up and what are we doing to help? Absolutely nothing. We talk about how politics are only going to hurt the world even more than it already is. Politics are not hurting the world. We jump at the chance to bring everyone else down and we only care about helping ourselves. What will we do to HELP the world not just bring it down like everyone else.

How can you sleep at night knowing that the homeless man you just denied a little piece of your sandwich to is starving. How do you live with yourself when you just called a girl who gets used by every guy shes ever liked a whore and a slut. What does any child do that is so bad you resort to hitting them? How do we sleep at night after all the selfish things we do during our day and we carry on not even caring if our snide little remark just cause a human being to decide to end their life.

I hope you sleep well at night.

My Heart Beats at an Uneven Pace

My heart stands on a wooden stake. Bursting into flames. He doesn’t mean to but he twists the fire. Getting all the angles he missed. My heart cries for him. Yet he doesn’t hear my pain. I want him for myself.

She’s captured his heart once again. I know I can’t compete with Lissa. She’s what he truly wants.

Why is it I am constantly scared. I don’t want him to think of her around me. Possibility of him thinking she could…. No SHOULD be me.

My heart skips a beat. Mostly when he touches me. Especially when his lips touch mine. I don’t want to leave him. Don’t leave my heart. I can’t be broken even more.

Heal my scars

I want him to show me how to breathe. Every breath hurts around him.

Will I ever get him back? Can my heart get stronger? I want him but he wants her.

I’m gonna lose this battle. My self esteem is shattered. Only because I allow people to walk all over me.

People call me things and I often believe those things. He made me not believe them for a second. I know he loved me.

I hope he still does. I try not to shut down. But I don’t want to make him mad. The thoughts that circulate through my head are the same ideas just on repeat. I don’t want him to think I am desperate.

To cry or show him my true self… Now that is the worst thing I think I could do.

He tells me not to shut down. I can’t help it. I am truly terrified.

What am I supposed to do? How do I say how I feel without making him run back to her?…

It’s the reason I used to cut. I bottle things up.

My problems are my problems. No way in hell am I going to bother other people with my problems. They have problems of their own.

Maybe it’s because I take in everyone else’s troubles. I am first to listen but last to talk.

I don’t want people to know how weak I am. They believe I am strong. They think my life is all together and organized.

If they only knew that my life was held together by scotch tape. It’s constantly breaking, but I keep up the fake front.

I refuse to let people sink me.

Even if he stands in front of me his mind is somewhere else.

I don’t know where, but it isn’t with me.

I’m terrified to loose him. He makes my heart happy. Yet I’m always heartbroken.

It’s a never ending battle and the cuts just keep getting deeper.

Therapy won’t help because I have to get over the pain myself. Yet, I don’t know how…

Jumping off the deep end often seems like the easiest choice.

Will it help? Not likely, but it will most likely send me deeper into the depression I have entered.

Deeper into this depression not a single body knows about.

As long as they think I am happy… That I am strong. He knows I am hurt and he wants the pain in me to stop, but there is no stopping this.

Dad says I am beautiful, but I still don’t believe it. He says that I must raise my self-esteem, but it will never be the same.

I’m too far gone. No one should try for me anymore.

I’m a ticking time bomb and people only get hurt around me.

I want to be happy, but I don’t have anything going for me right now.

I want out of this hole. Will you stop pushing me down? Help lift me up. I want to be alive.

I try to conform. Return to normalcy. Become who I was before.

He tears my heart open and I sew myself shut. But, I am no seamstress and my stitches break. Unfortunately more than they ever should.

I’m exhausted. I put all my energy into this crap. This pretending to be “happy”. Even though I am dying on the inside.

My words are only safe to me. My heart is only drawn-erasable.

I just want to be whole again. Not in a million little pieces as I have been for the past two years. I’m all over the place.

I’m still picking up the pieces. My heart is shattered and I’ve run out of scotch tape.

My hands are still bleeding… His kisses were my gauze.

The blood runs thick out and onto the enthernet.

I’m always vulnerable. Yet, these are my true thoughts.

I cry when I try to sleep. Scared to dream about what I am missing, what I use to have and no longer do.

I say I’m okay with it- him talking to her. But it breaks my heart even more.

I won’t say anything because she makes him happy. This pain in my chest… I’m willing to feel it.

For him.

He keeps me alive, but I am holding onto a small string.

I am about to break even more than I am already broken.

I’m not much to remember and so easy to forget.

What if I just went away? And never returned…

Who would notice… miss me….

What am I worth to you?

What would you do to save my life?

Am I even important?

I just need help… Help me!!! This is my plead to you, but I know it’s already to late.

My heart is running out. Everything inside of me has come out. Whether it was through text or tears.

I can’t be broken again. Please don’t leave. Make my heart skip a beat again. Hear my cries for your sweet touch.

Just listen for my death. It won’t be loud nor will it be long. Quick and Simple.

It’s inevitable.

I just want to be looked at the way every girl wants to be looked at.

With love and a hint of lust. I don’t see it anymore, Mostly because it hurts too much to look into his eyes.

They are sweet and soft brown. He talks with his eyes and I fall in love all over again.

Minor aches today are likely to pay off tomorrow.

He is my nicotine. The one I am addicted to. He leaves me wanting more. He scares me though.

I don’t want to fall anymore. I’m tired of falling.

No one wants someone like me because I am the gift you always return.

I can only change if I want to change.

I hope the world is ready for the change I am about to bring.

Thank You

-A