brandon cole…

My love. My life.

I want that life. I want that baby girl named Jade. I want that baby boy named brandon cole. I want our baby to be a daddy’s girl or a momma’s boy. I want to walk into our house and see my husband and my child playing together. I want that life.

He puts theses ideas in my head. He pushes thoughts of us getting married and every time I see that cute face I fall in love with him. I rarely call him sexy because I don’t see him as that… I see him as so much more. I can honestly say with no doubt in my mind that if he asked me to marry him right now, at this very moment, all I would be able to do is cry and say yes. We would get married after graduation and start building that life we both want together.

Reading what he wrote the day he thought that I had cheated on him killed me. It took everything I had inside of me not to cry in front of him as he called my name laying next to me.  Yet I sat on the bed reading about how I broke my baby’s heart. I still don’t forgive myself for making him even think I would cheat. I have never cheated on anyone and I will never cheat. And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him. I can’t unsee the look on his face.

I love brandon more than anyone in the world. I love him more than I love myself. He calls me beautiful, but I feel like he deserves so much more and so much better than me. He deserves the world so why does he want me? I will do everything to make him feel loved like he deserves to be. He deserves so much more than I will ever be able to give him. But he swears he wants to be with me.

This man is the only one who has ever been able to pull me out of a depression state. I am going to marry him. He will be my children’s father. The way he looks at me makes me feel like he loves the real me. Not who everyone thinks I am or should be. I used to be a whore. I used to be a slut. But with him all I need to be is his. He’s happy and so am I. I am in love with brandon and no one will ever be able to change the way I feel about this man. All hell will break loose before I change the way I feel about him.

He means everything to me and even just thinking about going a day without seeing him or hearing his voice makes me want to cry. Everything about him makes me fall in love with him. I don’t need sex to be happy with him. Just laying with him makes me 100% happy. All I need is him. That is all I need forever. If I was given the choice to either have anything I could want in the world but not brandon or to live with brandon and only bring in enough money to barely get by… I would choose to be with brandon. Seeing his face makes my day.

Every now and then I get depressed because I am scared as hell that something will happen and he will leave me. He is the light of my day. I love him to the end of the road and back. He talks about our future like he literally wants it. I will give brandon anything he asks for, wants, or needs. He deserves the world. I can’t explain even explain a little bit how happy I am or how much I love this man. He told aaron that I was beautiful inside and out… not sexy or hott… beautiful.

He is my oxygen. He is my heartbeat.Without him I am nevermore. But with I am with him I know I am loved. There is no place i’d rather be than within his reach.

~~~~~to the end of the road and back~~~~~

-A

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Can this really be happening…

The things he said last night were absolutely unbelievable. I know he meant every word he said and I will do everything in my power to make sure they are achieved.

-A

This is my story not yours

 

He looks at me like I have never been looked at before. He’ll smile and for those few seconds I feel like I am alive and that I don’t have to do what everyone else says just for me to feel happy inside.His lips touch mine and for once I don’t feel like I NEED that kiss to know how he feels on the inside. I can tell just by the way he looks at me. He is my one and only. I know that I won’t lose him to another girl and he knows he won’t lose me to another boy.

I sat there and cried because I didn’t know what to do. With myself, with my past, with this long road ahead. I felt sick to my stomach, abandoned, and hurt. Suicide crossed my mind as every single second that passed.The words they spoke killed me and I felt like every breath was my last. Their face made me want to die because I put my heart into the “relationship” and they put it under their car and rolled over it.

He tells me that he loves me and I know he means it. We talk on the phone every night and we have fallen asleep on the phone with one another. He holds my heart and my soul. He is so out of my league and I am the luckiest girl alive to have him to myself. Friday’s became my favorite days because for those few hours we are alone on his couch or on his bed I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want that baby girl so she can be “daddy’s girl”. Watching him with his nephews is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I know that I really want his baby, I know this because the way I feel about this man is unbelievable.

They told me they ‘loved’ me. I should have known it was a lie. My heart was always broken. Yet no one heard my cries. I spent months feeling alone and used. But I was too scared to be alone. By myself  I did whatever it took to feel satisfied for a minute or two.The pain rips through your body and you can feel yourself shutting down. All you want to do is collapse and cry. The pain consumes you and you are to weak and broken to do anything. You cry to the point where you feel like you can’t cry anymore. Even though crying feels like the only solution.

This man is my life and I will do whatever it takes to prove that I am in love with him. I hurt him already even though nothing happened. He was still hurt. The words he wrote made me die. I never wanted him to feel the way he felt that day. Yet I still made him feel the pain I have felt numerous times before. And I will spend the rest of my life making that up to him. I will never forgive myself for making him feel that way.The way he holds me as we lay with our bodies pressed against each other tells a story of it’s own. As we lay and I look up at his sleepy face I see him for himself. He’s not trying to be someone and he’s not trying to impress anybody. He looks peaceful and I feel secure knowing that I will always have him. The way he kisses my head when i am falling asleep on his chest is enough to send me to the end of the road and back.

They’re worthless to treat any girl the way we have all been treated. With some more than others, but it’s all the same pain delivered in different doses.No more pain will get to me because I am secure in daddy’s grasp and he’s never letting go. He looks at me like Ive never been looked at before.

-A

Walking Away

Slowly coming down the hall I see no one but you.

You smile at me and wink your eyes and it sends me in a spiral of emotional waves.

I get shy and my face blushes.

You said that you love me.

Is it true?

All I know how to do is shut everyone down.

Yet you somehow open up my feelings and make me feel like it’s okay to talk about them.

I know that I love you.

You are my everything.

Yet I am still afraid to get hurt.

You and I are starting our new adventure.

Pick me up and let’s walk away.

To the boy who I used to call “Daddy”

Even though you are dead to me, I still have to respect you as my Father. But, there is one thing you need to understand. You will NEVER be my dad. You had the chance and you let me go, so I’m not going to spend time crying because you weren’t an enough to stick around.

I am now 17 and I don’t know who my Father is because you decided I was not worth your love and time. But, no matter that because I now have an AMAZING Dad. He was able to show me what it meant to be a man and he showed me the love and attention that you didn’t show to me. I hope that you realize you don’t deserve your children’s love. You can’t just stay in a child’s life for two years and then skip out never to return again. My life has been filled with amazing events with my mother without you. You didn’t affect us by leaving. It’s your damn loss. You missed out on knowing what it means to have a child learn to love you and look up to you and for them to know that this man will be by their side for all of life’s hardest moments.

I have dreamed of what I would do if I ever got the chance to meet you… I will not seek you out. You are not my Dad, you only are the “Sperm-Donor”. That is all you will ever be to me and my mother. Your own brother has shown me attention, why couldn’t you do that? Your brother didn’t have to stay in my life yet he reaches out to me more than you have and i know ever will.

You mean nothing to me and you can never make up for the 16 years you missed out on in my life and the other years you will continue to miss out on.

Even though I highly doubt it, I hope one day you will learn what it means to be a man and actually stay in a child’s life.

Now you are left with the terrifying fact that your baby girl has grown up without you and she is better off that way.

I will never love you because you didn’t love me enough to stay. We are still a family without you and we will never miss you.

-A

Teenagers

Why do hormones think they can control our body’s? They run through our veins and never calm down… whether we crave that delicious, high-caloried snickers, or that hott new senior that just moved from California, or the newest “sex-filled” movie, we always try to fill these needs in the worst way possible. We have an extremely high sex-drive, we want to eat everything, yet the females want to maintain the barbie waist and J-Lo booty with voluptuous boobs…

 

How do we live?

This world is already screwed up and what are we doing to help? Absolutely nothing. We talk about how politics are only going to hurt the world even more than it already is. Politics are not hurting the world. We jump at the chance to bring everyone else down and we only care about helping ourselves. What will we do to HELP the world not just bring it down like everyone else.

How can you sleep at night knowing that the homeless man you just denied a little piece of your sandwich to is starving. How do you live with yourself when you just called a girl who gets used by every guy shes ever liked a whore and a slut. What does any child do that is so bad you resort to hitting them? How do we sleep at night after all the selfish things we do during our day and we carry on not even caring if our snide little remark just cause a human being to decide to end their life.

I hope you sleep well at night.