My Heart Beats at an Uneven Pace

My heart stands on a wooden stake. Bursting into flames. He doesn’t mean to but he twists the fire. Getting all the angles he missed. My heart cries for him. Yet he doesn’t hear my pain. I want him for myself.

She’s captured his heart once again. I know I can’t compete with Lissa. She’s what he truly wants.

Why is it I am constantly scared. I don’t want him to think of her around me. Possibility of him thinking she could…. No SHOULD be me.

My heart skips a beat. Mostly when he touches me. Especially when his lips touch mine. I don’t want to leave him. Don’t leave my heart. I can’t be broken even more.

Heal my scars

I want him to show me how to breathe. Every breath hurts around him.

Will I ever get him back? Can my heart get stronger? I want him but he wants her.

I’m gonna lose this battle. My self esteem is shattered. Only because I allow people to walk all over me.

People call me things and I often believe those things. He made me not believe them for a second. I know he loved me.

I hope he still does. I try not to shut down. But I don’t want to make him mad. The thoughts that circulate through my head are the same ideas just on repeat. I don’t want him to think I am desperate.

To cry or show him my true self… Now that is the worst thing I think I could do.

He tells me not to shut down. I can’t help it. I am truly terrified.

What am I supposed to do? How do I say how I feel without making him run back to her?…

It’s the reason I used to cut. I bottle things up.

My problems are my problems. No way in hell am I going to bother other people with my problems. They have problems of their own.

Maybe it’s because I take in everyone else’s troubles. I am first to listen but last to talk.

I don’t want people to know how weak I am. They believe I am strong. They think my life is all together and organized.

If they only knew that my life was held together by scotch tape. It’s constantly breaking, but I keep up the fake front.

I refuse to let people sink me.

Even if he stands in front of me his mind is somewhere else.

I don’t know where, but it isn’t with me.

I’m terrified to loose him. He makes my heart happy. Yet I’m always heartbroken.

It’s a never ending battle and the cuts just keep getting deeper.

Therapy won’t help because I have to get over the pain myself. Yet, I don’t know how…

Jumping off the deep end often seems like the easiest choice.

Will it help? Not likely, but it will most likely send me deeper into the depression I have entered.

Deeper into this depression not a single body knows about.

As long as they think I am happy… That I am strong. He knows I am hurt and he wants the pain in me to stop, but there is no stopping this.

Dad says I am beautiful, but I still don’t believe it. He says that I must raise my self-esteem, but it will never be the same.

I’m too far gone. No one should try for me anymore.

I’m a ticking time bomb and people only get hurt around me.

I want to be happy, but I don’t have anything going for me right now.

I want out of this hole. Will you stop pushing me down? Help lift me up. I want to be alive.

I try to conform. Return to normalcy. Become who I was before.

He tears my heart open and I sew myself shut. But, I am no seamstress and my stitches break. Unfortunately more than they ever should.

I’m exhausted. I put all my energy into this crap. This pretending to be “happy”. Even though I am dying on the inside.

My words are only safe to me. My heart is only drawn-erasable.

I just want to be whole again. Not in a million little pieces as I have been for the past two years. I’m all over the place.

I’m still picking up the pieces. My heart is shattered and I’ve run out of scotch tape.

My hands are still bleeding… His kisses were my gauze.

The blood runs thick out and onto the enthernet.

I’m always vulnerable. Yet, these are my true thoughts.

I cry when I try to sleep. Scared to dream about what I am missing, what I use to have and no longer do.

I say I’m okay with it- him talking to her. But it breaks my heart even more.

I won’t say anything because she makes him happy. This pain in my chest… I’m willing to feel it.

For him.

He keeps me alive, but I am holding onto a small string.

I am about to break even more than I am already broken.

I’m not much to remember and so easy to forget.

What if I just went away? And never returned…

Who would notice… miss me….

What am I worth to you?

What would you do to save my life?

Am I even important?

I just need help… Help me!!! This is my plead to you, but I know it’s already to late.

My heart is running out. Everything inside of me has come out. Whether it was through text or tears.

I can’t be broken again. Please don’t leave. Make my heart skip a beat again. Hear my cries for your sweet touch.

Just listen for my death. It won’t be loud nor will it be long. Quick and Simple.

It’s inevitable.

I just want to be looked at the way every girl wants to be looked at.

With love and a hint of lust. I don’t see it anymore, Mostly because it hurts too much to look into his eyes.

They are sweet and soft brown. He talks with his eyes and I fall in love all over again.

Minor aches today are likely to pay off tomorrow.

He is my nicotine. The one I am addicted to. He leaves me wanting more. He scares me though.

I don’t want to fall anymore. I’m tired of falling.

No one wants someone like me because I am the gift you always return.

I can only change if I want to change.

I hope the world is ready for the change I am about to bring.

Thank You

-A

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