Final Thoughts

It’s one step after another as I walk behind them.

The tears run of their cheeks as they have all come to lay their baby girl to rest.

Ivan doesn’t quite understand what it means when Mom says Lici isn’t coming home anymore. He says he misses Lici day after day. He asks to call and video chat with Lici. Yet, he doesn’t know that request will never be filled again.

Mom drives to work mindlessly staring at the road. Drowning in her thoughts she drags herself into the office only to break down as she sees how her baby will never create another picture to hang at her desk. She realizes how she won’t get to watch her only daughter get married. She slowly starts to realize she won’t ever be a grandma. All these opportunities she’ll never have and she doesn’t even know why.

Dad tosses and turns in his sleep as he tries to find just enough peace to rest for a short period before Mom wakes up sobbing. He has to act strong for her and for him. Little do they know how he cries in his truck every morning before he leaves for work and again before he comes inside the house. He wonders what caused him to lose his daddy’s girl.

Both parents wondering what they could have done to save their daughter. They blame themselves for not seeing the signs. Mom thinking if she only spent those few extra minutes if that could have made a difference. Dad wondering if he took off that day if he could have made me think twice about this decision.

I am sitting on the floor as I run the soft edge of the cold blade up and down my arm. Thinking to myself if I deserve to be here or not. Depression says, ”do it, you know it’s what everyone wants” and anxiety says, “ you can do this. No wait never mind. Wait, maybe you can.” My mind in a constant battle with itself.

As we reach my casket Mom turns to fall against Dad, barely able to grasp the concept that this box holds her baby girl and eventually it has to close. I lay my hand on this box, this box of depression and anxiety. The two things I let define my life and be the thing that causes pain to everyone that was close. I turn to look out into the pews, seeing all the faces of the people I touched or made an impact on in their lives. How could I not see how many people cared about me.

The reality is simple. Who am I to decide if I belong here or not. Why would I be so selfish to take away Ivan’s best friend. To take away my mom’s only daughter. My dad’s baby girl. I am NOT that selfish. I refuse to stoop to the level of suicide. After many attempts I’ve come to the realization it’s not worth it. Just with attempts it tears a family apart. All it takes is one person to tell you how much you are worth. That one compliment takes you from, this world is better off without me, to, I never realized how much I mean to certain people.

We never know how much someone means to us or how much we mean to someone else until it’s too late. No matter how much you think it’s the best option, suicide is not the answer. Suicide is the coward’s way out. Go ask for help. I know it is easier said than done because I’ve been there, but believe me. Even if you think no one will care, if you ask for help they will help you. There are so many people out here, you may feel alone but you are not alone.

-A

Objectification of women is a recurring theme of feminist discourse. The basic idea is that women are objectified when they are viewed or treated primarily as objects rather than as human beings, whether this is through pornography, modern advertising, or direct interpersonal interactions (cat-calling, ogling, groping, etc). Objectification is a form of dehumanization that can […]

via Objectification, Dehumanization, Pornography — Sweet Talk

Gone Too Soon

He cried over the phone because he took a bullet for my baby. He was supposed to make it to the hospital. The hospital never saw his beating heart. Dead at 17.

I don’t need to know who this young man is to know that he was close to my boyfriend. My boyfriend does not cry when things happen. Whether it be his mom yelling in his face or many other struggles, he still does not shed a tear. Yet this young man made my boyfriend sob.

“He wasn’t even supposed to be there. If I hadn’t of turned my back to make a couple hundred more. His death is on me.” These are the words that are embedded into my memory. His heart breaking is carved in my skull. I listened as he became a little boy who just needs someone to hold him as he cries on your shoulder. He walks the halls trying his hardest not to burst into tears. I want to help my baby heal, but this is something he must do on his own.

I don’t like being here not being able to help pick him up and carry him. All I can do is walk by his side as he zones in and out of awareness, as I hold his hand and tell him he will make it through all of this and no matter what happens that I will be here when he needs to fall.

I promised I won’t leave his side unless he asks me to. His eyes are red from light feathered tears. His shoulders slumped unsure whether to carry this weight on his shoulders or let it bring him through the ground. His heart heavy with a guilt of it being his fault and me telling him it was his decision to go with you passing directly through one ear and out the other.

My deepest apologies to this young man’s family. Your boy was a dear friend of my boyfriend and he will always be remembered.

RIP-04/09/2016

Piercing Sounds

When all you wanna do is cry because you don’t know how your day could get any worse. When all you want is to end the week with the person you love. All until you realize that life doesn’t work out the way you want it to. Life only wants to screw you over and its taking ever amount of energy just to smile at your boyfriend because you are trying not to cry in front of him. When your life gets turned upside down within a matter of minutes.

When you start to fall and you cant seem to get back up from falling. All I want is a fucking normal life but how is that possible when your parents fucking tie you down. I am so tired of trying to come out of depression only for life to trip me and pull me back into that stage by my feet.

Fuck this, I’m out.

brandon cole…

My love. My life.

I want that life. I want that baby girl named Jade. I want that baby boy named brandon cole. I want our baby to be a daddy’s girl or a momma’s boy. I want to walk into our house and see my husband and my child playing together. I want that life.

He puts theses ideas in my head. He pushes thoughts of us getting married and every time I see that cute face I fall in love with him. I rarely call him sexy because I don’t see him as that… I see him as so much more. I can honestly say with no doubt in my mind that if he asked me to marry him right now, at this very moment, all I would be able to do is cry and say yes. We would get married after graduation and start building that life we both want together.

Reading what he wrote the day he thought that I had cheated on him killed me. It took everything I had inside of me not to cry in front of him as he called my name laying next to me.  Yet I sat on the bed reading about how I broke my baby’s heart. I still don’t forgive myself for making him even think I would cheat. I have never cheated on anyone and I will never cheat. And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him. I can’t unsee the look on his face.

I love brandon more than anyone in the world. I love him more than I love myself. He calls me beautiful, but I feel like he deserves so much more and so much better than me. He deserves the world so why does he want me? I will do everything to make him feel loved like he deserves to be. He deserves so much more than I will ever be able to give him. But he swears he wants to be with me.

This man is the only one who has ever been able to pull me out of a depression state. I am going to marry him. He will be my children’s father. The way he looks at me makes me feel like he loves the real me. Not who everyone thinks I am or should be. I used to be a whore. I used to be a slut. But with him all I need to be is his. He’s happy and so am I. I am in love with brandon and no one will ever be able to change the way I feel about this man. All hell will break loose before I change the way I feel about him.

He means everything to me and even just thinking about going a day without seeing him or hearing his voice makes me want to cry. Everything about him makes me fall in love with him. I don’t need sex to be happy with him. Just laying with him makes me 100% happy. All I need is him. That is all I need forever. If I was given the choice to either have anything I could want in the world but not brandon or to live with brandon and only bring in enough money to barely get by… I would choose to be with brandon. Seeing his face makes my day.

Every now and then I get depressed because I am scared as hell that something will happen and he will leave me. He is the light of my day. I love him to the end of the road and back. He talks about our future like he literally wants it. I will give brandon anything he asks for, wants, or needs. He deserves the world. I can’t explain even explain a little bit how happy I am or how much I love this man. He told aaron that I was beautiful inside and out… not sexy or hott… beautiful.

He is my oxygen. He is my heartbeat.Without him I am nevermore. But with I am with him I know I am loved. There is no place i’d rather be than within his reach.

~~~~~to the end of the road and back~~~~~

-A

This is my story not yours

 

He looks at me like I have never been looked at before. He’ll smile and for those few seconds I feel like I am alive and that I don’t have to do what everyone else says just for me to feel happy inside.His lips touch mine and for once I don’t feel like I NEED that kiss to know how he feels on the inside. I can tell just by the way he looks at me. He is my one and only. I know that I won’t lose him to another girl and he knows he won’t lose me to another boy.

I sat there and cried because I didn’t know what to do. With myself, with my past, with this long road ahead. I felt sick to my stomach, abandoned, and hurt. Suicide crossed my mind as every single second that passed.The words they spoke killed me and I felt like every breath was my last. Their face made me want to die because I put my heart into the “relationship” and they put it under their car and rolled over it.

He tells me that he loves me and I know he means it. We talk on the phone every night and we have fallen asleep on the phone with one another. He holds my heart and my soul. He is so out of my league and I am the luckiest girl alive to have him to myself. Friday’s became my favorite days because for those few hours we are alone on his couch or on his bed I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want that baby girl so she can be “daddy’s girl”. Watching him with his nephews is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I know that I really want his baby, I know this because the way I feel about this man is unbelievable.

They told me they ‘loved’ me. I should have known it was a lie. My heart was always broken. Yet no one heard my cries. I spent months feeling alone and used. But I was too scared to be alone. By myself  I did whatever it took to feel satisfied for a minute or two.The pain rips through your body and you can feel yourself shutting down. All you want to do is collapse and cry. The pain consumes you and you are to weak and broken to do anything. You cry to the point where you feel like you can’t cry anymore. Even though crying feels like the only solution.

This man is my life and I will do whatever it takes to prove that I am in love with him. I hurt him already even though nothing happened. He was still hurt. The words he wrote made me die. I never wanted him to feel the way he felt that day. Yet I still made him feel the pain I have felt numerous times before. And I will spend the rest of my life making that up to him. I will never forgive myself for making him feel that way.The way he holds me as we lay with our bodies pressed against each other tells a story of it’s own. As we lay and I look up at his sleepy face I see him for himself. He’s not trying to be someone and he’s not trying to impress anybody. He looks peaceful and I feel secure knowing that I will always have him. The way he kisses my head when i am falling asleep on his chest is enough to send me to the end of the road and back.

They’re worthless to treat any girl the way we have all been treated. With some more than others, but it’s all the same pain delivered in different doses.No more pain will get to me because I am secure in daddy’s grasp and he’s never letting go. He looks at me like Ive never been looked at before.

-A