It’s one step after another as I walk behind them.
The tears run of their cheeks as they have all come to lay their baby girl to rest.
Ivan doesn’t quite understand what it means when Mom says Lici isn’t coming home anymore. He says he misses Lici day after day. He asks to call and video chat with Lici. Yet, he doesn’t know that request will never be filled again.
Mom drives to work mindlessly staring at the road. Drowning in her thoughts she drags herself into the office only to break down as she sees how her baby will never create another picture to hang at her desk. She realizes how she won’t get to watch her only daughter get married. She slowly starts to realize she won’t ever be a grandma. All these opportunities she’ll never have and she doesn’t even know why.
Dad tosses and turns in his sleep as he tries to find just enough peace to rest for a short period before Mom wakes up sobbing. He has to act strong for her and for him. Little do they know how he cries in his truck every morning before he leaves for work and again before he comes inside the house. He wonders what caused him to lose his daddy’s girl.
Both parents wondering what they could have done to save their daughter. They blame themselves for not seeing the signs. Mom thinking if she only spent those few extra minutes if that could have made a difference. Dad wondering if he took off that day if he could have made me think twice about this decision.
I am sitting on the floor as I run the soft edge of the cold blade up and down my arm. Thinking to myself if I deserve to be here or not. Depression says, ”do it, you know it’s what everyone wants” and anxiety says, “ you can do this. No wait never mind. Wait, maybe you can.” My mind in a constant battle with itself.
As we reach my casket Mom turns to fall against Dad, barely able to grasp the concept that this box holds her baby girl and eventually it has to close. I lay my hand on this box, this box of depression and anxiety. The two things I let define my life and be the thing that causes pain to everyone that was close. I turn to look out into the pews, seeing all the faces of the people I touched or made an impact on in their lives. How could I not see how many people cared about me.
The reality is simple. Who am I to decide if I belong here or not. Why would I be so selfish to take away Ivan’s best friend. To take away my mom’s only daughter. My dad’s baby girl. I am NOT that selfish. I refuse to stoop to the level of suicide. After many attempts I’ve come to the realization it’s not worth it. Just with attempts it tears a family apart. All it takes is one person to tell you how much you are worth. That one compliment takes you from, this world is better off without me, to, I never realized how much I mean to certain people.
We never know how much someone means to us or how much we mean to someone else until it’s too late. No matter how much you think it’s the best option, suicide is not the answer. Suicide is the coward’s way out. Go ask for help. I know it is easier said than done because I’ve been there, but believe me. Even if you think no one will care, if you ask for help they will help you. There are so many people out here, you may feel alone but you are not alone.