Final Thoughts

It’s one step after another as I walk behind them.

The tears run of their cheeks as they have all come to lay their baby girl to rest.

Ivan doesn’t quite understand what it means when Mom says Lici isn’t coming home anymore. He says he misses Lici day after day. He asks to call and video chat with Lici. Yet, he doesn’t know that request will never be filled again.

Mom drives to work mindlessly staring at the road. Drowning in her thoughts she drags herself into the office only to break down as she sees how her baby will never create another picture to hang at her desk. She realizes how she won’t get to watch her only daughter get married. She slowly starts to realize she won’t ever be a grandma. All these opportunities she’ll never have and she doesn’t even know why.

Dad tosses and turns in his sleep as he tries to find just enough peace to rest for a short period before Mom wakes up sobbing. He has to act strong for her and for him. Little do they know how he cries in his truck every morning before he leaves for work and again before he comes inside the house. He wonders what caused him to lose his daddy’s girl.

Both parents wondering what they could have done to save their daughter. They blame themselves for not seeing the signs. Mom thinking if she only spent those few extra minutes if that could have made a difference. Dad wondering if he took off that day if he could have made me think twice about this decision.

I am sitting on the floor as I run the soft edge of the cold blade up and down my arm. Thinking to myself if I deserve to be here or not. Depression says, ”do it, you know it’s what everyone wants” and anxiety says, “ you can do this. No wait never mind. Wait, maybe you can.” My mind in a constant battle with itself.

As we reach my casket Mom turns to fall against Dad, barely able to grasp the concept that this box holds her baby girl and eventually it has to close. I lay my hand on this box, this box of depression and anxiety. The two things I let define my life and be the thing that causes pain to everyone that was close. I turn to look out into the pews, seeing all the faces of the people I touched or made an impact on in their lives. How could I not see how many people cared about me.

The reality is simple. Who am I to decide if I belong here or not. Why would I be so selfish to take away Ivan’s best friend. To take away my mom’s only daughter. My dad’s baby girl. I am NOT that selfish. I refuse to stoop to the level of suicide. After many attempts I’ve come to the realization it’s not worth it. Just with attempts it tears a family apart. All it takes is one person to tell you how much you are worth. That one compliment takes you from, this world is better off without me, to, I never realized how much I mean to certain people.

We never know how much someone means to us or how much we mean to someone else until it’s too late. No matter how much you think it’s the best option, suicide is not the answer. Suicide is the coward’s way out. Go ask for help. I know it is easier said than done because I’ve been there, but believe me. Even if you think no one will care, if you ask for help they will help you. There are so many people out here, you may feel alone but you are not alone.

-A

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Objectification of women is a recurring theme of feminist discourse. The basic idea is that women are objectified when they are viewed or treated primarily as objects rather than as human beings, whether this is through pornography, modern advertising, or direct interpersonal interactions (cat-calling, ogling, groping, etc). Objectification is a form of dehumanization that can […]

via Objectification, Dehumanization, Pornography — Sweet Talk

Gone Too Soon

He cried over the phone because he took a bullet for my baby. He was supposed to make it to the hospital. The hospital never saw his beating heart. Dead at 17.

I don’t need to know who this young man is to know that he was close to my boyfriend. My boyfriend does not cry when things happen. Whether it be his mom yelling in his face or many other struggles, he still does not shed a tear. Yet this young man made my boyfriend sob.

“He wasn’t even supposed to be there. If I hadn’t of turned my back to make a couple hundred more. His death is on me.” These are the words that are embedded into my memory. His heart breaking is carved in my skull. I listened as he became a little boy who just needs someone to hold him as he cries on your shoulder. He walks the halls trying his hardest not to burst into tears. I want to help my baby heal, but this is something he must do on his own.

I don’t like being here not being able to help pick him up and carry him. All I can do is walk by his side as he zones in and out of awareness, as I hold his hand and tell him he will make it through all of this and no matter what happens that I will be here when he needs to fall.

I promised I won’t leave his side unless he asks me to. His eyes are red from light feathered tears. His shoulders slumped unsure whether to carry this weight on his shoulders or let it bring him through the ground. His heart heavy with a guilt of it being his fault and me telling him it was his decision to go with you passing directly through one ear and out the other.

My deepest apologies to this young man’s family. Your boy was a dear friend of my boyfriend and he will always be remembered.

RIP-04/09/2016

Piercing Sounds

When all you wanna do is cry because you don’t know how your day could get any worse. When all you want is to end the week with the person you love. All until you realize that life doesn’t work out the way you want it to. Life only wants to screw you over and its taking ever amount of energy just to smile at your boyfriend because you are trying not to cry in front of him. When your life gets turned upside down within a matter of minutes.

When you start to fall and you cant seem to get back up from falling. All I want is a fucking normal life but how is that possible when your parents fucking tie you down. I am so tired of trying to come out of depression only for life to trip me and pull me back into that stage by my feet.

Fuck this, I’m out.